Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of
education, who runs the 'Making Caring Common' project, aims to
help teach kids to be kind. He wrote about his work and chose to share some of his insights with others.
About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more
concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for
others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that “My
parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring
community member in class and school.”
Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to
raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this
important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to,
well, raise them that way.
“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on
them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and
responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the
researchers write.
The five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making
Caring Common:
1. Make caring for others a priority. Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and
achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to
learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the
ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from
parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding
children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even
if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or
a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or
the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Try this
• Instead of saying to
your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most
important thing is that you’re kind.”
• Make sure that your older children
always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or
angry.
• Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your
children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good
community members at school
2. Provide opportunities for children to practice
caring and gratitude
. Why? It’s never too late to become a good
person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for
others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to
others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing
gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and
forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an
instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s a helping a friend with homework,
pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second
nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude
similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this
• Don’t reward your child for every act of
helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to
help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward
uncommon acts of kindness.
• Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts
they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might
witness or hear about in the news.
• Make gratitude a daily ritual at
dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who
contribute to us and others in large and small ways.
3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families
and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone
outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak
their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant
country.
How? Children
need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their
immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering
the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those
who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their
decisions, such as
quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of
their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to
develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities
than their own.
Try this
•
Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their
daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care
for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into
the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
•
Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships
faced by children in another country.
4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults
they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with
adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best
friend doesn’t like her?”
How?
Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty,
fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time.
For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes
and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen
to their
perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this:
• Model caring for
others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this
service with your child.
• Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask
your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.
5. Guide children in managing destructive
feelings
. Why? Often the ability to care for
others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children
that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful.
Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive
ways.
Try this:
Here’s a
simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep
breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five.
Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind
her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ll start to do it
on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate
way.
Source: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/18/are-you-raising-nice-kids-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-them-to-be-kind/
